Nothing Important

Durham_Devil · Thu, 14 Jun 2001 12:16:49 -0700

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Now, to those who are reading this, I ask for your
help. Right now, right this summer, I am at the lowest
I've ever been. I don't know whether I should reveal
more (most of you know enough already) because I don't
want people to take it and pile on, but the short of
it is, if it seems like I've intentionally done the
absolute worst thing possible at times, it's probably
because I have. 

Screw it, I might as well tell
all. My therapist said it might help if I came
clean.

I have been severely depressed, perhaps for upwards
of 4 years, but at least 2 1/2. On top of this, out
of pure guilt, I did not adhere to a regular
schedule of medicine dosage, which pretty much rendered
anything I was on useless. Part of my behavior as a result
of this has tended to self-destruction, and from the
sounds of it it worked very well. It got to the point
where I didn't want the outside world to sympathize
with me. I would spend upwards of a week at a time in
my apartment, not leaving for any reason. There
would be days when I'd sit in my chair, belt on my lap,
staring at the perfectly smooth ceiling and wondering why
it couldn't have tiles. I would try to use
plasticware to saw through my wrist, if only because I never
packed anything sharper. In short, it is only because I
fear God and His punishment that I'm still
here.

But it's too late. I'm on medical leave for this fall
semester from the school. Not that the team will miss me
-- Darren, I'm sure, will be more than happy to
return, now that the him-or-me ultimatum he tossed out
doesn't end on him, and Brian took every opportunity to
let the world know he was embarrassed to have me as a
teammate, so I'm sure he'll be ecstatic in the fall. But
for some of you, it'll mean not having me to kick
around any more this fall. Good luck in finding a new
whipping boy.

And now, respond with your final
parting shots. For putting up with my crap for the past
few years, every single one of you deserves to lash
out.

andy