This is going to be the last message I'm going to post on the subject. Most of this is venting that I've wanted to do for a day or two - I sort of know that keeping on doing this is going to make me much worse off. Apologies in advance for language and tone. I'll ask that Greg not take this personally - most of this is just anger. I'll also say that I'm quoting personal experiences below, but I'm not asking for sympathy - I wasn't very close to the blast, and I miraculously know no one that was lost. I'll agree that the "silent majority" doesn't speak up as much as it should. But let's take this to the extreme. You can't believe in God, since He let this happen. You can't believe in the United States, since it's followed policies that have led to this. You can't believe in capitalism, since it led to the society that people have tried to destroy. You can't believe in the military, since all it wants to do is kill people. You can't believe in society, since societal organization let this happen. The past few days, I've walked through corridors of the Pentagon that made my suit smell like I was downwind at a barbeque. I've passed by guards with submachine guns. My sister has told me that she cried Thursday night out of fear for my uncle and me until she almost threw up. I've listened to a general at a Pentagon memorial service tell us that he was lucky to be at a meeting in Crystal City, while his secretary and office assistant were killed - he paused, and said, "they have names". I've been told that the Pentagon was being evacuated once, and then found out it was incorrect. I've had my mother call and email me every day since the attack, ending every message with "I'll pray for you" and "love you lots and lots". I've found out that the person that I replaced was due to have been on the flight from Dulles that smashed into the Pentagon, but overslept and missed it. I feel guilty for grieving because I knew no one who died. I've gone to my alma mater today and felt like I was hit in the gut upon finding out that, at a school who has legions of alumni go to New York and Washington, every goddamn student there was laughing and having a great time at the student activity fair. I hate sending messages several times a day to friends and family reassuring them that I'm fine. I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself on Monday night because a waitress whose number I asked for had a boyfriend. I've felt guilty since I can't give blood. I hate looking at news and finding people looking out and denouncing the United States and saying that they brought this upon themselves. I hate being in stasis and not knowing how, if ever, this will be resolved. I hate having studied this in college and knowing that things could have been much worse. I hate the fact that people don't see things the way I do. I hate feeling fear, since the defense industry is intrinsically based on killing people before they kill you, and since I took this job knowing that. I hate feeling like a child for just wanting this to be a huge nightmare and to wake up one day and to have all the bad people dead. All I want is for it to be over. I'm an idiot for believing in anything. However, it's the only thing that's kept me going at all - the knowledge that no one is perfect, but that the United States is the best option and the only persistent beacon of freedom and hope, that God has some plan that I can't even begin to understand, and that tomorrow just might be better than it is today. And it's probably a hoax and I'm probably making things worse, but if I have any shot at existing, I have to lie to myself. AND I DAMN WELL KNOW THAT IT'S NOT PERFECT, THAT I'M NOT PERFECT, BUT THERE'S NOTHING ELSE THAT I CAN DO. I SLEPT FOR SIXTEEN HOURS LAST NIGHT, AND I STILL FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY HIT ME WITH A TRUCK. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE. I'M SORRY.
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